It’s interesting that your friend took your statement that you can have benign crushes on friends without consequences so poorly. Or at least what I consider poorly. I agree with you, but I suppose there are so many variations in emotional maturity and infatuation that there may indeed be people out there that could not handle the distinction between admiration of friends to psycho-stalking-I GOTTA BE YOUR FRIEND AND YOU GOTTA LOVE ME-style friendship.

And don’t think I won’t ask you about your 10th grade English teacher next time I see you!

If i had a dime for every woman i talked to about the crushes they had in HS and over and over again i would be perplexed by the fact that they expressed pining and frustration in the same way that I had. And it was through THOSE reflections that I came to realize that no one (no matter how “cool” we thought they were), man, woman or otherwise, was exempt from the awkwardness that is your teenage years. And how truly “certain” we all were we were the only ones going through it.

Can’t wait till have a few of my own running around.. NOT! (I SO just brought that saying back)

My biggest crush was probably Franco in my sophomore class in HS. Crazy crazy crush. There were good reasons, he was smart, affable and well, let’s face it, hot. Over the years my crushes for people have evolved it’s no longer about total and complete absorption of the person. They are more realistic. It’s excitement about finding things in common, ideas, way of life all grounded in a very real sense of admiration for that person.

Now that the “serious” stuff is on the proverbial page, here’s the entertainment:
* Emily Deschanel (as evidenced by her presence in my nocturnal excursions of late); and it’s both for Emily Deschanel as well as her character on Bones. A nerdy scientific forensic scientist who has intimacy issues and looks good? OMG…throb, throb…
* Duncan Roy a new and interesting entry. He participated in Sex Rehab (on VH1 I know, I know…but it wasn’t the show, I actually stopped watching the show and just kept on reading his blog). I don’t judge my crush for now. Suffice it to say that he’s a gay man, who’s had relationships (sexual ones) with women. He’s a very complex man and I have a huge crush on him. Also, he is a FANTASTIC writer.
* Naveen Andrews. Is it a sexual crush? Prolly just as much as my crush on Susan Sarandon. They ooze SENSUALITY…that’s it. When I look at both of them, I almost sense what they smell like (I have a very delicate and fickle nose). It’s all too dizzy-ing.

And lastly, a serious note. I recently had a HUGE argument with a friend of mine about this very topic. My contention was that it is very possible to have crushes on friends. That it wouldn’t be out of the question. That they would certainly NOT be detrimental to the friendship. He didn’t see it that way. Needless to say, we didn’t speak to one another for over two months. I missed him terribly during our self-imposed silence. We recently connected again and after many apologies continued as if we had seen each other the day before. Do we (did we) both have a crush on one another? Yes. Well, I’m open enough about it to admit it. He’s still dealing with it mostly because he has never had a crush that didn’t turn into something (and we both DEFINITELY do not want this to turn into something else). We have too much of a good thing as friends.

He was my 6th grade biology teacher and HO LEE SHIT was he cute. He wore jeans. Tight ones. And he had sandy blonde hair and a big smile and I was totally a late bloomer but he was the first guy I ever got clammy palms over.

I asked him what his full name was, and he told me. Which is why I didn’t open with Mr. Franzleubbers. Turns out that my friend’s mother, who taught math at my middle school, was FRIENDS with him… and there was to be a pool party to celebrate the end of the school year at their house. And I got to go. And I got to see Kevin James Franzleubbers in a bathing suit. Best moment of my life up until that point, if you had asked me then.

I also had a crush on my 10th grade English teacher, but that’s a story for another day.

Perfect story to go along with all this confessional:

Our sophomore year I was ditching class with Wendy Leith and we had gone down to double rainbow (as it was known at the time) and had coffee and played chess during 5th period (when i should have been in algebra). Back then they kept chess sets on the tables by the front window as i recall. I was BEAMING that day, thinking that i had finally scored the points necessary to get Wendy to consider me MORE than just a friend.

So the whole hour or so progresses and we chit chat and laugh and I am CERTAIN that I am at the top of my game… (in retrospect all i was really doing was sitting and listening to her ramble about some hippy BS im sure!) and then she said the following:

“Ludie, You are so awesome! You’re like an cool little brother”. Now in the movie playback in my head this was where the camera zooms in on the persons eyes as they actually die and you can see the life leave them. I think I ACTUALLY heard thunder in the back of my head. For days I was despondent on the level that I am sure I went out into my back yard and broke LOTS of things in a furled rage.

So in summary, I laugh my ass off thinking about this memory now because its SO a textbook study in teenage angst and as a result I LOVE telling it! I really appreciate you starting this blog post Serene, always a thought provoker you are!

And as for pleading the 5th: That’s the reason mysteries are so much fun Serene! Good luck and good hunting!