“I ain’t a player, I just crush a lot.”
What rang true in 1997 still rings true today. It’s as if Big Punisher crawled into my head/heart space, and whittled my modus operandi down to a simple phrase played over a run-of-the-mill generic 90s beat. (Though I will be the first to admit that I wish the words came from a more attractive man, given my predilection for crushes. Go ahead – call me an asshole.)
I can trace my crush developing behavior to middle school, where my shyness coincided with four middle school transfers in three years. This unfortunate turn of events made sad, dorky love to my personality neurosis, creating an insurmountable distance between Crush du Jour and myself. I would punish myself, walking by Crush du Jour and get a thrill from the sinking stomach drop feeling, not so different from the feeling you get when you are on a wild and jerky amusement park ride. Or, Crush might have asked me some inane question about lunch or class and I would melt into a mumbling puddle of incomprehensibility.
I was, and still am, a sucker for that shit.
It may be somewhat alarming that I still continue this behavior. I think it’s healthy for me, because adult me develops crushes on people that I actually have an interaction with, rather than people I think I know, like 14 year old me. The nature of my crush has also changed – it has developed more into an admiration with a dash of lusty thoughts. They are never destructive to relationships, and they give me a blast of excitement in a normally predictable day.
I refuse to think I am alone in this tendency to crush a lot. So, come up and tell Auntie Serene a crush story, so I don’t feel like such an idiot.
14 Comments
I will comment..cause hell, I am the crushy-est guy I know. Though no real crush stories oh no…but a fake one. I have since I was a wee lad had a huge crush on Winnie Cooper from the wonder years. Thankfully she grew up to be a very smart and attractive woman and now I was able to crush once more as she was joyfully on the “Big Bang Theory” just last night as a matter of fact. She will always be a supreme crush. *Le Sigh*. God damn that Kevin Arnold!
Winnie Cooper is totally hot stuff. The fact that she is super smart is icing on the proverbial cake. I totally approve of your crush. And I approve of your candor. I’m so glad I’m not alone!
I feel obligated to chime in here as well. Growing up shy and frankly, a bit narcissistic (sounds like the makings of a serial killer) Crushes were the focus of MUCH of my “anger issues” until i was able to grow out of it and realize that women ARE in fact the devil as i had postulated in my earlier years! I kid.. really. Since We are admitting crush stories here.. I FREELY admit having a crush on Nigella Lawson and Olivia Munn. But if we want to dig back into “Ludie embarrassing historical Crush”-land, then I have to admit to the following names (god i hope none of them read this blog):
Tiffany Reed
Wendy Leith
Angelique Cronin
To name a few.. there were many more.. but i can neither confirm-nor deny the names under penalty of the 5th amendment of the constitution of the united states.
That is all.
Anger issues, narcissism, misogyny – wow, this reply is rich with material! I kid, only because I know that you have healthy relationships with women. I can see how a crush could develop into an anger outlet (ie. why don’t they notice me, what an ass for not seeing my hotness, etc.).
So if you are pleading the 5th, there is some self-incriminating material floating in the dark abyss, eh? You so piqued my curiosity with that one!
I have my parents to thank for knowing what a respectful and healthy relationship should be like.. the Mysoginy and Narcissism was frankly because i was a spoiled little shit of a kid ;o) I have come to realize however that the love/hate dynamic most (at least most guys, but i think girls too) pre-teens+ have with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your bag) is just part of growing up.. the anger that they cant figure it out is allegorical to the “terrible 2′s ” that people talk about with kids in my opinion. Teens are figuring themselves out and have no way of expressing mature adult feelings in a way that makes them feel ok. its like 2 magnets with switching poles trying to get together but constantly bouncing off one another as well. The frustration and anger i think is just a by-product of that.
And as for pleading the 5th: That’s the reason mysteries are so much fun Serene! Good luck and good hunting!
Also, since you both disclosed a crush, I’ll fess up too. In fact, I’ll fess up to people we went to Highland with together. The first was an early high school crush on Mike Maestas. The next embarrassing one was a junior year crush on Ariane Markley.
WoW! Mike Maestas! Wasn’t he a baseball player or something.. In either case, doesn’t it feel liberating to admit this garbage and look at it with “older” eyes..
Perfect story to go along with all this confessional:
Our sophomore year I was ditching class with Wendy Leith and we had gone down to double rainbow (as it was known at the time) and had coffee and played chess during 5th period (when i should have been in algebra). Back then they kept chess sets on the tables by the front window as i recall. I was BEAMING that day, thinking that i had finally scored the points necessary to get Wendy to consider me MORE than just a friend.
So the whole hour or so progresses and we chit chat and laugh and I am CERTAIN that I am at the top of my game… (in retrospect all i was really doing was sitting and listening to her ramble about some hippy BS im sure!) and then she said the following:
“Ludie, You are so awesome! You’re like an cool little brother”. Now in the movie playback in my head this was where the camera zooms in on the persons eyes as they actually die and you can see the life leave them. I think I ACTUALLY heard thunder in the back of my head. For days I was despondent on the level that I am sure I went out into my back yard and broke LOTS of things in a furled rage.
So in summary, I laugh my ass off thinking about this memory now because its SO a textbook study in teenage angst and as a result I LOVE telling it! I really appreciate you starting this blog post Serene, always a thought provoker you are!
Kevin. James. Franzleubbers.
He was my 6th grade biology teacher and HO LEE SHIT was he cute. He wore jeans. Tight ones. And he had sandy blonde hair and a big smile and I was totally a late bloomer but he was the first guy I ever got clammy palms over.
I asked him what his full name was, and he told me. Which is why I didn’t open with Mr. Franzleubbers. Turns out that my friend’s mother, who taught math at my middle school, was FRIENDS with him… and there was to be a pool party to celebrate the end of the school year at their house. And I got to go. And I got to see Kevin James Franzleubbers in a bathing suit. Best moment of my life up until that point, if you had asked me then.
I also had a crush on my 10th grade English teacher, but that’s a story for another day.
Scandalous! I love it. The fact that you got to rub elbows with your crush at 11, 12 (?) makes me insanely jealous. Teachers, especially young and handsome ones, are so easy to put on a pedestal.
And don’t think I won’t ask you about your 10th grade English teacher next time I see you!
Oh goodnesh crushes! So many…Shane might be the crushiest guy, but gurl, I take the prize for the female category. I’ll tell you what, I even will go so far as saying, admitting, that I believe that we all, all of us, have crushes. Still. And we should, it’s what makes us human. Are these in any way detrimental to our social interactions? No. Well, unless we blow them out of proportion, if we push the envelope, if we brake the boundary between us and the person we admire.
My biggest crush was probably Franco in my sophomore class in HS. Crazy crazy crush. There were good reasons, he was smart, affable and well, let’s face it, hot. Over the years my crushes for people have evolved it’s no longer about total and complete absorption of the person. They are more realistic. It’s excitement about finding things in common, ideas, way of life all grounded in a very real sense of admiration for that person.
Now that the “serious” stuff is on the proverbial page, here’s the entertainment:
* Emily Deschanel (as evidenced by her presence in my nocturnal excursions of late); and it’s both for Emily Deschanel as well as her character on Bones. A nerdy scientific forensic scientist who has intimacy issues and looks good? OMG…throb, throb…
* Duncan Roy a new and interesting entry. He participated in Sex Rehab (on VH1 I know, I know…but it wasn’t the show, I actually stopped watching the show and just kept on reading his blog). I don’t judge my crush for now. Suffice it to say that he’s a gay man, who’s had relationships (sexual ones) with women. He’s a very complex man and I have a huge crush on him. Also, he is a FANTASTIC writer.
* Naveen Andrews. Is it a sexual crush? Prolly just as much as my crush on Susan Sarandon. They ooze SENSUALITY…that’s it. When I look at both of them, I almost sense what they smell like (I have a very delicate and fickle nose). It’s all too dizzy-ing.
And lastly, a serious note. I recently had a HUGE argument with a friend of mine about this very topic. My contention was that it is very possible to have crushes on friends. That it wouldn’t be out of the question. That they would certainly NOT be detrimental to the friendship. He didn’t see it that way. Needless to say, we didn’t speak to one another for over two months. I missed him terribly during our self-imposed silence. We recently connected again and after many apologies continued as if we had seen each other the day before. Do we (did we) both have a crush on one another? Yes. Well, I’m open enough about it to admit it. He’s still dealing with it mostly because he has never had a crush that didn’t turn into something (and we both DEFINITELY do not want this to turn into something else). We have too much of a good thing as friends.
Duncan is one amazing individual, and I can see why you are attracted to him. Accent? Check. Attractive? Check. Intellectual? Check. Interesting? Check. Emotionally available? Check.
It’s interesting that your friend took your statement that you can have benign crushes on friends without consequences so poorly. Or at least what I consider poorly. I agree with you, but I suppose there are so many variations in emotional maturity and infatuation that there may indeed be people out there that could not handle the distinction between admiration of friends to psycho-stalking-I GOTTA BE YOUR FRIEND AND YOU GOTTA LOVE ME-style friendship.
This might be the single “awesomest” blog post.. ever. Gets everyone looking at life an the lives of others from so many different angles.
If i had a dime for every woman i talked to about the crushes they had in HS and over and over again i would be perplexed by the fact that they expressed pining and frustration in the same way that I had. And it was through THOSE reflections that I came to realize that no one (no matter how “cool” we thought they were), man, woman or otherwise, was exempt from the awkwardness that is your teenage years. And how truly “certain” we all were we were the only ones going through it.
Can’t wait till have a few of my own running around.. NOT! (I SO just brought that saying back)
I so totally agree. It’s further proof that no one is always cool, calm, and collected. We all have anxiety, insecurities, and self-doubt. I suppose it’s part of the human condition. I think those who are exempt are either not self-aware or self-medicate with booze or drugs so that they don’t have to “deal” with themselves at all.
Sorry missed some punctuation on that last post.. way too late to be commenting ;o)