I’ve been quiet lately.
It’s not for lack of things to say. It’s almost as if I’ve forgotten how to say the things that are on my mind. I’ve been wrapped up in my head. Is it the looming 3-0 in July? Is it contentment? I’m not sure.
I’ve been obsessed with my future. School knocked my confidence this quarter. I signed up for a logic class to prepare for the LSAT. NOTHING has made me feel so dumb and so inadequate in all my life. My epic failure made me wonder if I’m even cut out for the cut-throat world of law. And what the hell makes me so damn confident that I’ll be able to right the wrongs in the world? Blind optimism? No, that’s not my style. Stubbornness? Most likely.
So now, faced with graduation hoovering in the near future and a summer filled with GRE and LSAT preparations, I’m having a crisis of faith. Faith in my abilities, faith in the economy, faith in success. What does it all mean, anyway?
Existential ponderings aside, I’m happy. Like, really really happy. Unfortunately this has resulted in a decreased need for friends. All of a sudden I’ve looked around and realized that I have stopped fostering and nuturing my friendships. I’m not sure what this means, or how it makes me feel. Lonely, disenfranchised, disappointed, or pleased? Who knows – probably all of the above.
One Comment
While i do not claim to be a smart man, I will say this:
Beginning a marriage is like any other new friendship, you start out thinking you don’t need anyone else in the world (whether consciously or otherwise). But eventually you will come to understand that its BECAUSE of the wholeness of being that comes as part of having all your friends that you fell in love with and married your spouse in the first place. I say its just growing pains Serene, not a big deal.
Onto the feelings of inadequacy. I understand this all too well. I would love to have some sage advice like, being that you and I are older than most choosing a career path might have something to do with the insecurity, or perhaps something deeper inside who we are, but honestly i feel the same way as you. For me the answer is to keep pushing through the rigors of choosing this new career path because otherwise I have no way to secure the future of my family. But for you I would certainly say the same thing applies, while you may not have a family to have to support per say. In other, FAR less soapboxy terms:
DAMN THE TORPEDO’S! FULL SPEED AHEAD!