My mind has developed a new and fascinating habit. I’ve been aware of this new development in many places: sitting on the bus, facing the window at work, laying in bed, and even in the shower. In these mundane moments my mind is totally, entirely, completely empty. This mental wasteland was previously littered with everyday debris: where I had heard this song before, why did he said that to me, does anyone appreciate my ugly socks like I do, what is she doing right now? The moments I recognize I have not a thought in my mind are times when that mindweight would previously cripple me; I’d get butterflies from anticipation, tears over perceived pains, curiosity from these unanswerable thoughts. And this burden is no longer mine to bear.

I can’t figure out how or why my mind has decluttered. I am starting to appreciate it though. Rather than being consumed with everyday worries and interests I’m an empty vessel. I’ve stopped worrying at some basic level. I may have even been ignoring some of you. It’s not that I don’t have love in my heart or moments where I genuinely care about what is going on, it’s just my concern switch is disengaged. I’d like to this is a result of my supremely functioning brain instigating an evolutionary improvement. More likely is that my body is taking control of my mind to prepare me for whatever is in my future.

This realization has led to appreciation of all that movement around me. Have you ever had the feeling that everyone is buzzing around you in an aimless way, getting to places you aren’t going and seeing things that you aren’t seeing and are loving things you don’t love? There you are, insulated in a bubble of calm and serenity, while everything seems to pass you by with such velocity that you get a little nauseous?

That’s the way I’ve been feeling.

And no, I’m not depressed. Or at least that is my self-diagnosis. Not that I’ve really been depressed before. Can one be depressed in the same way a functional alcoholic gets through life (Kahlua in the coffee, vodka in the Sprite, despair in the cup, a smile on the face)? I’d assume that I would have the realization that something is amiss. I mean, I’m not asking for a flashing display over my head, but someone somewhere might realize that I’m severely off. Thankfully, none of this has happened.

My days have been mundane. I’ve been getting around to all those books acquired and forgotten about. I’ve been in repose on the couch watching bad reality television involving models which sometimes results in feeling wholly unattractive and undesirable. I’ve been appreciating my dog at my feet and the stupid blanket keeping me warm during the cold Pacific Northwest winter. This bored and thoughtless life is not as bad as it seems. No, really.

But you know what? Things are alright. They really are. And they probably always were, I was just too preoccupied with the details to notice.